Logo Credit to Nate Williams Bullied out of school
That first day of school, I was pushed down the stairs and my locker was sprayed with shaving cream. Worst of all, Peggy, a girl who had been tormenting me since grade nine, escalated her bullying. Peggy, sat behind me in homeroom, thanks to the teachers
alphabetical order of seating. It seemed like everywhere I turned that first day, there was Peggy yelling, pushing or shoving me. I went back to school, the next day, full of dread. Every time I saw Peggy my heart would start to race with fear.
Peggy was just as mean the second day of school. At the end of the day, I was walking out the door of the school to catch the bus when Peggy jumped me from behind. She pushed me face first to the ground and rubbed shaving cream in my hair. I was scared, angry, and embarrassed. I got on the bus, sat by myself, and wouldn’t talk to anyone. As I walked home from the bus I started crying. By the time I got home, I was sobbing. When my mother saw the state I was in, she asked me what had happened and I poured out the whole story. My very angry mother phoned the principal and got me transferred to a different senior high.
As I reflect on that fall day in grade eleven, I think it was one of the worst school experiences I ever had. Yet, it was a catalyst for change. After that day I never felt I was peer rejected again. It was like something changed inside me. When Peggy was on top off me I felt very helpless, I couldn’t do anything to stop her, she was bigger than I was. This was the most physical my harassment had been since Marvin beat me up in elementary school. It was like it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had finally had enough. Up to then, I had thought I had put up a wall, that I didn’t let my peers' rejection bother me that much, and that I didn’t let anyone else know it bothered me so much. But when this incident happened, it was like the walls weren’t high enough to protect me. I broke down and it hurt. But I knew I was never going to let it happen again. I was never going back to that school. Luckily, I got through to my mom and she supported me in this decision. My life changed after that and I stopped continually thinking of myself as the one they pick on.
Identity
Amy is bold. And brassy, and strong-willed. Like any teenager, she tries on and discards different selves as if they were so many pairs of Girbaud jeans, searching ruthlessly for a perfect fit (Orenstein, 1994).
What is this thing we call identity? Scholars have defined identity in many ways, and as being a unitary ‘I’ or fragmented selves (Griffiths, 1995). Feminist theory has favored a view of identity as fragmented selves or or as multiple selves (Griffiths, 1995; Mitchell & Weber, 1999). Griffith (1995) sees one's identity as a complicated web with many parts.
Self-identity is to be understood, as a kind of web, the construction of which is partly under guidance from the self, though not in its control. Thus it is marked by competing constraints and influences which overlap and fuse… Each individual creates her own identity, although she is constrained by circumstances in doing so (Griffiths, 1995, p.93).
Identity construction is influenced by material and social conditions (Griffiths, 1995). According to Griffith (1995) the most important social conditions that affect identity formation is our relationships with others. This is affected by how we experience love, resistance, acceptance and rejection with society. “Being loved or rejected or being in a position to love or reject others affects how loveable a person seems to herself” (Griffith, 1995, 116).
Peer rejection made me define myself as undesirable. It made me hate who I was. It made me search for an identity that others would like. I was trying to find a way to make the kids at school like me. To do this I adopted many identities. According to Griffith (1995), people often try on different selves when negotiating identity. Sometimes these changes would work and I would achieve partial acceptance and sometimes they would fail miserably. After not fitting in, during my first two years of school, I decided to take part in an extracurricular activity to boost my popularity, I joined Brownies.
I was a Brownie leader
In Brownies I really excelled. I got almost every Brownie badge available. I became the sixer of my group. For those unfamiliar with Brownies, I will explain further. The Brownie troupe is divided up into groups of six. Each group has a name such as sprite,s pixies, elves. Their leader is the Sixer, which was the position I held my last two years of Brownies This made me highly respected by the other girls in Brownies. I eventually went on to Girl Guides where I achieved a similar rank.
I remember I was very excited to join Brownies, It felt very important to put on that brown uniform. Once I started achieving in Brownies, I thought it would spill over to my relationship with girls at school. It didn’t. The same girls who accepted my leadership in Brownies would not play with me and even made fun of me at school. I found this very confusing. I remember wearing my uniform to school on International Girl Guide Day. I thought people would see the badges and see how important I was. This did not happen. Finally, I accepted that I would only be accepted at Brownies, which at least gave me something to look forward to every week and a way to feel proud of myself. I continued attending Girl Guides until about grade seven, when it was deemed geeky to be a Girl Guide and I had enough problems being called a geek without adding to it.
According to Griffths (1995), whether or not a person is accepted or rejected by a group can affect one's self-worth. As a child grows older, the situation becomes more complicated because they start belonging to more than one group. “The individual can belong easily to some of them, and is rejected by others” (Griffiths, 1995, p. 116). Achieving in Brownies made me feel good about myself. According to George & Hartman (1996), unpopular children tend to find relationships outside the classroom. These supports can help the peer-rejected child, but can not make up for the damage peer rejection does to one’s self-esteem.
A central way I identified myself during my childhood was by my relationships with others. Social relationships are the way one forms self-identity and evaluates ones self-worth (Griffiths, 1995). In my elementary years, this was characterized by being best friends with Kendra, which I thought this was definitely the key to popularity. After all Kendra, was pretty, smart, artistic, athletic, older and popular.
By the time I was eight, Kendra and I were inseparable. We went everywhere together. We dressed our dolls alike and sometimes we would dress alike. I particularly remember a card I received from Kendra on my tenth birthday. On the outside she wrote “You’re my very best friend! Happy Birthday!” On the inside she wrote, “Happy birthday to the BEST FRIEND anyone could have!” I remember feeling so happy when this was read aloud at my birthday party. In my life it seemed that rejection was everywhere- at school and from some of the kids in the neighborhood .This made Kendra’s declaration of friendship blissful. It was worth any price. It seemed like no one had ever liked me that much. I was under Kendra’s spell.
But having the identity of Kendra’s best friend came at a price. I quickly found out everything was done Kendra’s way or this wonderful affection was not given. Her friendship was conditional. Kendra only played games she was good at. In make believe games I was always assigned the less desirable role. At school I was Kendra’s friend, but I was not often invited to join in games. I could watch or take secondary role. But as soon as we were back home, Kendra would turn into the most affectionate best friend.
Another HUGE thanks to Catherine for sharing these personal papers with me to share with you. Remember if you'd like to contribute to the blog you can FB me OR e-mail me nancy.wood@mbsradio.com
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