I think that finding a subculture where I was welcomed was the most important thing that occurred during senior high. When I became a Punk, my self-esteem improved. The focus shifted form what was wrong with me to what was right with me. I could rebuild my identity and learn to feel good about myself again.
After School
What happened after I graduated? How did these experiences affect the adult I became? Do the themes identified in this chapter reflect my adult experience? How do they shape my everyday life?
The first theme “It wasn’t always that way” is important. Through that theme we see the supportive loving home environment and early friendships I had before starting school. I see these supports as armor I put on to protect me from my negative experiences at school. It didn’t completely protect me, but it kept me from crumbling and collapsing under the weight of the abuse I suffered. I think that I had supports that not every peer rejected child has. Having a good support system outside of school helps peer-rejected children stay strong during a very trying time. My early memories of love and acceptance stayed with me through my rejection, and gave me a sense that things could be like that again someday. Today, when things are tough, I still use these early memories as a source of strength.
Do I still feel that sense of “helplessness” I felt as a young girl in school? Not in the same way, although sometimes I feel “temporarily helpless”. I feel this way when someone doesn’t like me, when I have to find a partner for an activity, waiting for an invitation to a party, when a friend forgets to call or when someone makes a joke about me. When this happens I feel the familiar panic climb up my throat and I think, “What happens if no one picks me, likes me or calls me?” Then after I wallow in my negative feelings for awhile, I remember, I am an adult and people usually like me. It doesn’t matter if everyone likes me. My friends would never exclude me on purpose and sometimes a joke is just a joke. Understanding this is something that has just happened in the last few years and isn’t always a simple straight-forward process. That sense of helplessness I felt as child still clutches stubbornly onto the edges of my being.
The way I shape my own identity has changed radically. As a child I used to change my identity in hopes of belonging. This usually involved seeing myself as an extension of someone else’s identity, as Kendra’s friend, Paul’s girlfriend, and so forth. Now my identity involves understanding the different parts of myself: student, friend, daughter, lover, former peer-rejected child…. I realize my identity involves my relationship with others, but that my whole identity does not hinge on any one relationship. My identity changes as I grow and understand the many parts of myself. I grew up being young Cathy who wanted to fit in, than I was teen Cathy who didn’t care what others thought, than I became Catherine respected, but oblivious to my past. Now, I feel there are aspects of all of them inside me defining different parts of my personality. Young Cathy is sensitive and can share her pain and listen empathetically to others. Teen Cathy rallies against social injustices of any kind. Catherine is efficient. She can stay up all night and write a paper, unpack her house in one day and find time for the many people in her life. This new understanding has made it easier to deal with myself, and accept myself, flaws and all.
Do I still “reject the rejecter”? Am I still a rebel? Yes and No. I move freely and comfortably in the dominant culture, but in many ways I still have the soul of a rebel. I still find time to take chances that might not be socially acceptable, for example, being an “out” lesbian, dying my hair blue, becoming friends with those who don’t fit in, being a vocal animal rights activist, and so forth. These are things that may make others not accept me. But I learned as a teenager that belonging to meaningful groups is much more important than struggling to live up to mainstream’s impossible standards of what is acceptable. The difference is that now these groups do not overly define who I am. My own identity is set much more by me. Another difference is I do not reject people for being part of the mainstream or looking preppy. I realize through experience that it is dangerous to judge people too quickly, especially by their appearance. If I get to know them, they might not be as black and white as I portrayed them, they might not be as conformist as I imagined, they may be multi-layered, like myself. After all, I wasn’t what everyone in school portrayed me to be. What I have learned from being a rebel is to be proud of who I am and stand up for what I believe in, especially myself.
Being peer rejected was a mixed bag. It has in some ways made me more sensitive to other people’s problems. For a long time I have known I have has a desire to help others with their problems. This I feel comes from my experiences with peer rejection. But peer rejection has made me an adult who sometimes still feels helpless, inadequate and unattractive. I am not glad for my experiences, but am glad for what I have learned. There are better ways to learn these lessons than through rejection. Even though I am a happy adult with good relationships, I can not erase from my head “ew, you had to sit with Cathy,” “she’s on our team, aaw,” “Tissue Tits,” and “Cathy Lizzy Derry,” The sounds of these names will echo in my mind forever.
Ok not sure why this post felt the need to underline everything, but I can't figure out how to remove it. Another thank you to Catherine for sharing her paper with me, to share with you. There is only one part of this Mini series left and that's my follow up. It's coming tomorrow. Remember if you have something to share on the anti bully blog you can FB me OR e-mail me nancy.wood@mbsradio.com
i want to thank Catherine for sharing her story. many parts of it resonate with my own school experiences, but i must say, she handled it better than i did. at 36 years old, i'm still dealing with a lot of the "demons" from my past
ReplyDeleteThank you Catherine for sharing your story! While my story is not nearly as painful as your, I still remember the sting of being isolated by the "queen bee" of our group. I graduated in 1975. Just goes to show, you're never to old to be affected by bullying.
ReplyDelete