Ok so last weekend I was "home", back in NS. Because I have my wedding coming up (one month and one week exactly)I was at some showers the fam's were throwing for us. At the end of one, I had 2 family members offer to do a piece for me for the blog. This is the first of the two, my cousin Carolyn. I was shocked to learn A LOT of what I did in this interview, but I'll save that for Monday's Follow up. Here is the interview I had with my cousin.
Nancy: So what has been your personal experience with bullies?
Carolyn: I was bullied a lot in elementary school. I was pretty shy when I first started school and REALLY sensitive, so I was an easy target. I was called names, and I was picked on because of my looks. As I went through elementary, I managed to get very good marks, so I was also picked on because I was smart. Because I was picked on a lot, I often found myself getting along better with my teachers then my fellow classmates giving me the title 'teacher's pet'.
N: If you found refuge in your teachers, how did they react to it?
C: My teachers were always very nice to me. They didn't seem to mind talking to me at all. When I was in grade four, my teacher always did the supervising for our recess and I usually spent the entire time talking to her. She always chatted with me, but would try to encourage me to use my break to hang out with my classmates. I always told her that I was happier talking with her, so I guess that she figured out that something was up. She never asked me about it, and sicne grade four was a better year for me, I never really brought it up.
For the most part, my teachers never really did anythign to stop the bullying and if they did say something, the bully would deny it and things would get worse.
N: Is that typically how you dealt with the bullying? by avoiding them? did you typically do other things to cope as well?
C: I know a girl who picked on me a LOT during elementary and she is the main bully that I remember. She had also been bullied for certain reasons and decided to retaliate by bullying other people back. I saw how that hurt other people, and how it only made everyone else hate her and pick on her more and I didn't want to be like her. As a result of this, if I wasn't able to avoid the bullies I tried to be really nice to them. I figured that if I was nice to them, then I was not doing anything wrong and they would have no reason to pick on me. Believe it or not, this did help me out especially in junior high. I was picked on in grade seven a lot, but I just tried to be as nice as possible to the bullies. By the end of junior high, some people still picked on me from time to time if they were in groups, but if I caught them on their own they weren't mean to me at all. They might not have talked to me, but they didn't pick on me. This mentality is something that's always stuck with me, so if I ever have an issue with someone, I always try to treat them really well in the hopes that they'll change.
N: So Kill them with kindness was how you dealt with it? Did you ever encounter physical attacks?
C: Luckily I never had any physical bullying. It was all verbal. That's not that the verbal bullying didn't have just as harsh effects. To this day I do not take teasing of any kind very well. I've never learned how to deal with it because as I was growing up, it wasn't teasing and the bullies meant what they said so I've never learned how to appropriately handle it. I guess a part of me always wonders if they are just joking or if they actually mean it.
Nancy: So this HAS impacted you even as an adult? How did your parents deal with it?
Carolyn: It has, someways for the better and some for the worse. I already mentioned my inability to cope with teasing, but I also have a harder time with people my own age. I guess I'm afraid that they'll judge me and begin the bullying cycle all over again. This led me to be a lot more comfortable in speaking with adults, which has actually been a lot of help to me in the past few years. Because of this I was able to go and speak with important business individuals, be interviewed without much fear, and interact better with individuals who may one day employ me. Not many adults have high opinions of teenagers, but I have managed to make many good impressions, recieve many compliments, and be granted with many opportunities that may have otherwise been unavailable to me.
When I was being bullied, my mother made sure to keep the teachers informed about what was happening. She even managed to get the principal to take action twice when the bullying got very bad. She's a very determined woman, and thankfully the faculty at my school were very kind.
N: So your "safe place" where would you say that was?
C: Probably at home. The bullies couldn't get me there and I always had people to hang out with because my mother babysat kids. In grade 6 my 'safe place' was my best friend's house. Luckily we were in the same class that year and she was also bullied because she was quiet. The two of us stuck together, and the bullies started to ignore us. The one girl that I mentioned above tried to bully us both a lot that year, but we tried to stay away from her. Luckily, I am still really good friends with her.
N: I've said in previous posts, Bullies are basic mathematicians, they don't like it when you have a group that's bigger than theirs, I ask because you said the two of you stuck together, would you agree with that statement?
C: Definitely. And it works both ways. If there are more individuals backing up the victim, then the bully will not pick on them. In addition, if there are more supporters for the bully, or more bullies in general, then they are more likely to bully you. As I mentioned above, some of the people who picked on me when they were in a group were not mean to me when I spoke with them one-on-one. That doesn't hold true for all cases, like with the girl, but if you give them no reason to hate you and do not retaliate then it is possible to make a change.
N: Now you've already said you still live with the results of bullying, but it has ended, when did it end?
C: I think that the last issue that I had was in grade 8. By grade 9 I had some friends that I could really count on, and no one seemed interested in bullying me anymore. I had enough people who would come to my aid if there was a problem, so I think that scared most bullies off.
Nancy: If you could say something to kids going through what you did, what would it be?
Carolyn: Bullies are only interested in getting a reaction from you because when you react, you give them the power. Do NOT retaliate, and try not to show the bully how much it bothers you. If they lose interest in you, they WILL stop. Also, try to join a group at school. Whether it's a sport, a school club, or the band, pick something that you enjoy to do and associate yourself with people who have the same interests as you. If you do that, you'll make friends who will help protect and as well as having a 'safe place' where you can go and be yourself without fear of ridicule.
N: what about the bullies
C: They will never get far in life by bullying others. Bullying only makes you enemies, and you never know when that will come back to bite you. If the person became a bully because they were bullied, then they should know how it feels and should NEVER inflict that pain upon anyone else.
Big thanks to Carolyn, and remember if you want more info on the Anti-Bullying blog series, including how to get involved e-mail me nancy.wood@mbsradio.com
Logo credit to Nate
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